I don't like cats
by Illuminating Colours
Summary: Skulduggery Pleasant vs various kitty-cats! Series of fluffy, cute drabbles!
1. Newest Foe

_**Disclaimer:**_** I don't own any of these characters...Apart from Skulduggery's newest and evilest enemy.**

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_I don't like cats._

Detectives Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant marched down the tight, curving garden path that lead up to a rotting porch.

They were both only feet away from the first warped wooden step when Valkyrie let out a sudden "Awww!"

Skulduggery whirled round to face his partner expecting to see a serial killer pouncing on her trying to stab her. As a force of habit his revolver had 'leapt' into his bony hand; his thumb resting on the hammer.

But his nonexistent eyes were only met by the sight of Valkyrie kneeing by a grey-blue Scottish fold cat. Who in turn, was purring like a car motor, and innocently rubbing against Val's pink face.

"Who is adorable?!" Giggled Valkyrie lovingly towards the feline as she scratched behind it's ears. She had now completely forgotten her skeleton friend's company.

Skulduggery saw the large window of opportunity... and he _had _to take it. "I am, of course." He even let pride creep into his voice.

Valkyrie's giggling stopped and she turned towards him, smug smile in place. "Keep dreaming."

"Please, Valkyrie. You do realise that this flea bag isn't as cute and innocent as it may seem. It is in reality a mass murdering, attempted world conquering psychopath? It is a cat; after all...It is what they do. Think of all the birds it has consumed." Skulduggery replied smoothly.

Valkyrie's pretty face scrunched up in confusion. "I thought you disliked birds? Because they poop on the Bentley?"

If Skulduggery had a face...He would have certainly been cringing. "Minor detail. My titanic dislike for cats outweighs my minorly large dislike for birds."

"And why would you hate such an adorable, terrific creature? Hmm?"

"Uh, well. Not all of them are cute...You've seen those hairless ones that the Egyptians praised. You know the ones that look like they are plotting your very painful death?" Skulduggery shook his skull slowly to emphasise his point of disapproval.

Valkyrie laughed and picked up the cat, who was still purring contently. Val waved the grey cat in front of Skulduggery. "Isn't it gorgeous?"

"Please don't do that. Or I might 'accidently' end up kicking it." Muttered Skulduggery, stepping away from the swaying feline who was staring into his hollow sockets with intelligent grey eyes.

It was clear; this cat was out for his second death. Its face and species said so. He knew it.

Putting the cat down Valkyrie laughed at Skulduggery's silence and continued the short walk up to the weathered steps.

Skulduggery threw one last cold glance at the cat before he too walked up the steps confidently, leaving his newest enemy behind him.

~Fin

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**So...Um, this happened. I wrote the first three quarters of it and then forgot about it. I just rediscovered it, and I had lost my train of thought/plan for it so I finished it the best I could. xD **

**It was inspired by my derpy cat companion Tiger. **

**Did you like it? Or did you love it? Leave **_**a review and a favourite, please**_**! Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. **

**Until next time,**

**Illuminating Colours. **


	2. The stakeout

_***Disclaimer in first chapter.**_

**This chapter is dedicated to Indigo and Emma.**

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_I don't like cats- chapter two_

_The stakeout._

The great, powerful _and_ beautiful Valkyrie Cain sat in _her_ spot within Skulduggery Pleasant's famed Bentley R-Type Continental.

They were parked across the road from an old mouldy warehouse at a port in Dublin, waiting for something evil or suspicious to leech out of the building. In other words; they were on a stakeout.

Valkyrie loved her job, adored it even, she loved the thrill of the chase, the action and the time she spent with her skeleton best friend. But this particular aspect of her job…She hated, with a fiery passion. It was boring and tedious.

As she stared blankly at the windshield at the run down warehouse a thought occurred to her. She didn't live in the middle ages…She had technology within her grasp! Or well, her pocket. Her well loved phone.

Before she knew it her hands were grasping at the zipper of her pant pocket. Her fingers were clumsy at their lack of use within the last three (Or was it four? She'd lost count.) hours. Skulduggery hadn't moved for most of the time. He just sat there, stock still gazing with hollow sockets at the building. Her sudden movements must have startled him…Awake.

"Who-Da-What?" He muttered sleepily, as his skull peered closer at the window, trying to see through the gloom better.

Gazing at the screen of her phone Valkyrie muttered; "Oh, I'm sorry…Were you meditating? My deepest, deepest apologises." Her usual sarcasm laced her voice.

"Something happened?"

Sighing grumpily Valkyrie put down her phone. "No, as usual." And with that Valkyrie picked up her phone and started fiddling again, her thumbs moved with expertise.

Skulduggery gazed out the window, him too watching the warehouse with little interest. A sudden meow of a cat broke him from his thoughts. Looking over at Valkyrie he met the sight of her smiling down at her bright phone screen.

"What are you doing? Did I hear a…Cat?" He asked trying to lean over to see.

Valkyrie turned her smart phone so he could see what was happening on the small screen. It was playing a video of a tiny, fluffy black kitten squashing itself into a dainty teacup. Valkyrie was giggling with delight.

With a grunt of annoyance Skulduggery sat back heavily in his seat. "Out of all the videos to watch on the World Wide Web…You chose felines?"

"Not only that, but it's a montage! A compilation! Four hours of nonstop kitty-cat fun!" She smirked at Skulduggery's miffed attitude and tilt of his head. He hated…No wait, despised cats.

Skulduggery pondered on it and turned to face his partner, he knew she wouldn't let him drift off again and he would be stuck listening to sudden meows and sniggers of the cursed bedevilled cats and Valkyrie. The least he could do was…"Alright, let me watch."

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**After being asked several times…I decided to make this a series of Skulduggery vs cats drabble fic.**

_**Please don't forget to review, favourite or/ and follow! Come on feed the muse! Also, don't forget to leave suggestions for the next chapter!**_

**Thanks to those who reviewed the first chapter! :D**

**Until next time,**

**Illuminating Colours. **


	3. Lamp posts and cling-wrap forts

***Disclaimer in first chapter. **

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_I don't like cats- chapter four_

_Lamp posts and cling-wrap forts._

"Aw, come on Skulduggery! It's only a single day!" Whined Valkyrie Cain as she clutched a box with holes poked in the side of it to her chest.

Skulduggery stood just beyond the threshold of his home. His thin arms folded over his chest and his skull was tilted to the side, a clear display of annoyance and irritation. "Nope."

That was the third time she had asked him and she was on the verge of begging. "Alice is allergic so I can't keep it at ho…"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease. It will only be for a few hours, I'm going shopping with Mum and Fletch' wanted me to spend time with his new kitten." She threw in her last card, the puppy dog eyes.

Skulduggery let out an over exaggerated sigh as he unfolded his arm and gestured for her to come inside.

It had been three whole tedious hours since Valkyrie Cain had left the fat kitten in his care. So far it had urinated on one couch cushion and his favourite lamp (he didn't even know how it had climbed onto the coffee table, over his pile of folders and books and up the tall lamp post).

Both happened when he turned his back for little more than twenty seconds. He was not _any_ bit impressed.

The kitten sat within it's new prison; a cling-wrap fort that wrapped around table legs and the poor lamp post. He'd tried sofa cushions before that but the little terminator barrelled into them and knocked them down with ease.

Skulduggery sat on his recliner watching with his finger laced. He stared down at it, not daring to take his nonexistent eyes of it. It looked up at him with deep innocent green eyes.

Still keeping eye contact with the skeleton the cat began to meow. At first it was soft, and then it grew, and grew till it was practically screaming. It's tail was thumping an unhappy rhythm.

For the second time within four hours Skulduggery found himself sighing. Dropping off his chair he sat outside the prison, legs crossed. With an uneasy bony gloved hand he petted it's soft head.

"Alright little devil spawn, what might be the problem? Hungry for an innocent's soul?" He muttered as he picked it up gingerly. Another loud meow. "Or just chicken?" Valkyrie had left him some shredded roast chicken to feed the puss.

Apparently the feline didn't want nor like the shredded chicken. He even tried to give it one of the many toys that was in the box it was entrusted to him in. Nope, wouldn't have a bar of it.

It's green orbs drifted to his fedora on the arm rest of the couch. Great.

It was another long hour before Skulduggery's mobile rang. Fletcher promised he would be 'round soon to pick up 'his baby' (as he described it).

Fifteen minutes later there were rapid knocks on Skulduggery's front door. Fletcher stood on the dusty welcome mat, bouncing on his heels in anticipation.

The great and dead detective, Skulduggery Pleasant opened the door in a torn and shredded (and once elegant) pinstripe suit, then he thrusted one of his favourite, newly nibbled fedoras into Fletcher's arms. Before he nudged the beaten and scratched box with his right foot over the threshold and onto Fletcher's feet.

Then, without warning he slammed the door shut, and that was that.

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**Thank you for reading! **

_**Please don't forget to: review, favourite and follow (you're also more than welcome to chuck me a PM if you'd like)!**_** Also feel free to leave suggestions for further chapters as I want to hear what you'd like to read! :D **

**And a big thank you to: ****Sebastian Castellen****, ****LililolipopD****, ****Ihazbooks2002**** and Skyla, a **_**lovely**_** guest!**** You all made me so happy! x **

**Until next time,**

**Illuminating Colours. c: **


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